Staying out of the Middle
Your parents shouldn’t be dragging you into their problems. You need to be careful about being put in the middle of your parents’ arguments and conflicts. Below are some things to watch out for and how to protect yourself from getting caught in the middle
Bad-mouthing the other parent
Your parents are divorced which means that they might want to “get back” at each other. Your parents might start to remind you of the reasons they got divorced or might complain to you about child support. This can be very distressing to you. Make sure to set clear boundaries with your parents and to not participate in conversations that speak badly about the other parent.
Using you as a messenger
One of the effects of divorce is that your parents might stop talking to each other. However, they still need to communicate, especially about your care. In this case, they might try and use you as a messenger, sending messages about child support and care schedules. You should stay out of your parents’ issues and ask them to talk to each other in a different way. You shouldn’t be forced to deliver messages between your parents, as their responses can put a lot of stress on you.
Using you to spy on the other parent
Now that your parents don’t live together, they don’t have as clear of an idea of what the other parent is up to. Your parents might rely on you to figure out what the other parent is doing. They may begin to ask you questions like:
- Is your other parent dating someone?
- Where is your other parent working?
- How is your other parent spending their money?
- What does your other parent do in their free time?
Bribery
Your parents might feel like they need to win you over. In order to do so, they might try to buy you expensive gifts or give you extreme amounts of freedom. It may be tempting to accept these ‘gifts’ due to what you can get in the short-term. In the end, this is a no-win situation and this way of treatment might snowball into bad financial habits, harming both parents emotionally as conflict arises around favoritism. To avoid this, keep track of what they give you and if they are expecting anything in return. If your parents are expecting something in return for giving you things, step back, refuse the offers, and get a clearer picture of why they want something in return by talking to them.
Confiding their problems in you
Divorce is difficult for everyone involved. Your parents are also struggling to adjust to their new life. They may feel lonely, guilty, depressed, and many other emotions, however, they should not be using you as a therapist or a friend to express their frustrations with. Even though you and/or your parents may think that you can handle having mature adult conversations about the problems your parents are having, this is false. No kid at any age should have to handle their parents’ personal issues. If they try to use you as emotional support, refuse to engage in conversation and tell them that what they are doing is an inappropriate way to let out their emotions.
Forcing you to choose sides
Your parents may still fight and might try and make you choose between them, but the truth is you don’t have to. You can still love both of your parents and can live with both of them. It is completely fine to like going shopping with one parent and going fishing with the other, but you don’t have to choose one over the other. If they push you to pick a side, tell them that they shouldn’t be forcing you to pick between them because you care about them both, even though you like doing different activities with both.